So drunk its hurt
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
