I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
