OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
accomplished twins. life is a go
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
