I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
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