You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
