i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
