My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
