But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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