The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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