he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
there is glitter all over my balls
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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