so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
