my room smells like sperm. sweet.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
