Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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