dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
