the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
