New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
