i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
