Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
