You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
