dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
