he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
