Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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