I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
