when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
