the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
