I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
