I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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