I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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