I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
