best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
