The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
