im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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