literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
