You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
