I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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