I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
