I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
