I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I am mentally ready for anal.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
