my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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