when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
