Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
