I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
