I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
