she woke up with a sticky ear
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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