My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I think i got beer on your cat.
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