I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
