i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
