I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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