I'm going to jail i love you
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
