I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
