I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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