I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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