You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
