I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
