alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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