If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
