How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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