I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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