Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
it was like eating out sand paper
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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