I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
