Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
