Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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