My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
